Tampo: What is it, and What to Do?

Tampo is generally brooding, sulking or pouting, but with a distinct Filipino twist: it begins abruptly and for no apparent reason. There is no analogous term for it in the Western world. If you marry a Filipina, you will swiftly understand the symbolic importance of this word. And it is better not to forget it for your own sanity and home peace.

The Tampo period is often deafeningly quiet. Anticipate that things suddenly become very silent, and brows are scrunched up. Plates and other stuff start to be placed noisily. Tampo tends to sneak up on you and catch you off guard.

So, how do you handle a situation like this? How do you deal with Tampo? Simply read and remember these tips. But first, let’s look into what may be triggering this behavior in the first place.

While these visual manifestations may appear to be “sulking” in the western sense, their underlying cultural purpose characterizes tampo from other behaviors. While pouting has a bad connotation in the West, Filipinos often accept tampo. Apart from the glaring unpleasant implications, Tampo has good connotations for the Filipino.

Tampo is a cultural trait stemming from the non-confrontational attitude of Filipino society. Thus,  it is a means of expressing injured sentiments in a culture where expressing anger or resentment directly is frowned upon. Tampo withdrawal symptoms are a subtle way to express resentment or displeasure. It may also be regarded as a mechanism for Filipinos to “save face,” as direct confrontation is traditionally deemed a threat to “smooth interpersonal relationships,” which are highly valued in Philippine society.

Tampo is distinguished for shockingly poor communication. The Filipina with the tampo demonstrates some or all of the following:

• Won’t talk 
• She won’t eat
• Resists any attempts to solve the issue
• May go away somewhere, maybe for several days 
• Bang cabinet doors and smash things around
• She grunts, nods, or shakes her head at anything you ask or say.
• May do a lot of cleaning or may retire to bed, often for days 
• Won’t tell you the problem, as you should already know. She may say a few hurtful words.
• She hides away in another room–and even from another people.
• Will look totally normal to others while answering the phone or welcoming someone at the door but will quickly revert to tampo when interacting with you 
• This will continue until she gets over it. She may or may not apologize. Will not address it, and any attempts to suggest “Let’s speak about it” may result in a resurgence.

Perhaps you didn’t notice her new haircut. Or maybe you didn’t compliment her dress. Maybe you didn’t say “thank you” when she cooked you a really good adobo. This can be linked to cultural misconceptions.

Did you stare at another woman for a bit too long? Or you might have catched a hot woman who intentionally fell on you? Did your ex invited you at her birthday? Well, there’s a good chance a tampo is coming. And brace yourself.

This is the leading cause of tampo in interracial couples.  It’s possible you made a joke about her that was offensive to her, or you were too blunt. Perhaps you hurt her feelings by refusing to eat the sinigang she made (you know, you should; you’re missing out a lot!)

“What did I do?” you should ask yourself.

So, whether you know what triggered it or not, you should find out why. Tampo will continue until you do, and sufficient penance and remorse on your side have been served. During tampo season, a Filipina’s pride skyrockets. Thus it’s best to be vigilant.

Tampo can be induced by various things, including the tone of voice in an innocent discussion, losing face, or even something as basic as the weather outdoors, aside from obvious misdeeds such as cheating or arriving home intoxicated.

Periods are common culprits of mood swings and mental instability in women. When a Filipina’s monthly period arrives, moods are always expected to fluctuate dynamically and dramatically. So, if you see tampo syndrome in your wife or girlfriend, check whether she is on her period. If so, you can make the wisest decision to buy her food or massage her. It merely takes a lovely gesture and some patience. And she’ll be back to her regular programming in no time.

Ex-pats, learn to cope with it as it will happen eventually, despite how snuggly your relationship is. So, how long will Tampo last? In most cases, it is shorter for a nice foreigner boyfriend or AFAM who commits relatively few significant offenses. But, it generally just lasts a day or two if you can find out what you did.

Remember, you must own it. Filipinas love to hear phrases like ‘I’m wrong, I’m sorry.’ Being defensive never helps and merely prolongs your sentence in tampo purgatory. It might take a long time for patient AFAM mates to discover what provoked the tampo in the first place. Sometimes they can’t figure it out at all. The good news is that you can still do something about it. Just be patient, do well, and soothe yourself, and if you’re lucky, she’ll be out of her tampo episode.

Be ‘malambing’ or ‘lambingin mo.’ It means you should woo, pursue, and romance her as much as necessary. The predominant desire of a tampo player is for the aggrieved party to woo or persuade him or her out of the state of being miserable. This is known as “amuin” in Tagalog.

After a brief “cooling off” time, the customary Filipino approach to tampo is to reply to the offended party with polite overtures or gestures of care. Negligence or failure to do so may lead to the breakdown of relationships, particularly romantic ones. Restoring the inner, emotional bond between two love birds is often more crucial than addressing the issue itself in most incidents of tampo.

Here are some ways to “lambing” your girl:

• Send her flowers.
• Send her gifts. No matter how small that is, she’ll appreciate it a lot.
• Send her a romantic letter/email.
• Send her a mushy video telling her how much you love her.
• Send her food. The way to a woman’s heart? It’s ALWAYS through her stomach!
• Surprise her. Fly to the Philippines and surprise her–if you can. LOL

Talk things over with your wife or girlfriend.  Address her tampo episode once she has settled down and a few days have passed. Express your regret that she felt that way but reiterate that you had no knowledge that anything you or anybody else did was causing her anguish. And that if she had just told it to you the first or second time it happened, you would have prevented it or done everything in your power to avoid it. Help her realize that, while this may have been her way in the past, it is not how a devoted married couple should act. Either the tampo ceases, or the marriage is doomed. Either way, there’s no harm in always talking things over and mending everything back again.

Time is usually the most effective remedy. Still, that’s no excuse to disregard her entirely. Spend some time reflecting on what you might have said or done wrong. You can use the time off to  make up for your mistake by pitching in with chores around the house. Carry out a task that she has been bugging you about for a while now.

Keep making an effort. Wash the dishes. Prepare her some meals. If possible, avoid having her cook at all. Order food from her favorite restaurant.

It’s the little things. She’ll pick up on the fact that you’re trying to smooth things over between you two.

Encourage her to share her everyday thoughts and feelings with you. If she says, “No, I’m Alright,” you should press a little harder. Let her know you’re concerned because you care about her. Let her realize that expressing yourself is simple and brings great consequences, such as the wonderful feeling that comes from knowing someone understands you. It can also be beneficial for having some troubles and concerns resolved. Make certain that you do the same. Tell her how you feel, both the good and the ugly.

Filipino males use these similar “tips’ ‘ to deal with tampo. However, they sometimes go too far by apologizing even when they have done nothing wrong. You’d rather not go there. Tampo will become so ubiquitous that it could be used as a form of manipulation. This isn’t usually the case, but it does happen occasionally. The aim is to meet each other halfway. Use the ideas in this post to communicate that you appreciate her and recognize her emotions.  Make her feel as though her tampo isn’t a bother to you. Then, discuss calmly with each other to reach a reasonable compromise.